truth.

I don't usually don't write about sad stuff. Actually, I try to avoid it all costs. But I guess to not post what is really in my heart would be a disservice to myself. I try to be honest as possible. It doesn't always serve me well, but I guess its a "take it or leave it" quality.

Today is one of those days that I really dislike being here in Indiana, and not home in Cleveland with my family. I really miss them today.

I always do this. A holiday or some family-oriented weekend will come along and I will plan on staying, and then work stuff pops up andI feel obligated to put that first. I wasn't supposed to be on duty this weekend, but a colleague had Easter plans and since I had none, I was like suuuuure I will cover for you, I have nothing going on. Plus, it would be the last of the semester. I made a list of things I was going to do-I rented a bunch of movies from the lib and was going to keep myself occupied with them, painting, cleaning, and just enjoying the time. But, I have found that it has been very lonesome time.

I was going to go to Church this morning, I went to this particular church's services last year and they were lovely. But, I was tired, didn't feel like getting ready, and mostly-I didn't want to go by myself.

Today also reminds me (and I thinking it always will) of Easter two years ago, and how some of the decisions I made that night before still effect me today and have made me into the person I am today. I had problems with drinking and driving during college-a couple thousand dollars and a few court appearances later, I was finally back on track. I had just found out I got into graduate school at Ball State and was excited to start the next chapter in my life. So, I went out to celebrate, ended up drinking way too much and meeting a cute guy at the bar. I ended up driving the cute guy home, because his friends had left already. I vaguely remember driving, I know I hit a mailbox and my right mirror was broken off. I was driving in a more country area, and it was not registering in my head that I may not know how to get back. We finally got to a "a" house, not his house, but his friends house. I left my cell phone and all my things in my car, and we drunkenly sauntered inside. For the next 2-3 hours, I engaged in some of the most physical sexual activity I have ever had with this stranger I just met. I have no idea how any of the people sleeping in the house did not hear us. It finally occured to me how long I had been there, and I left to go home. I notice on my phone I had about 20 some missed calls from my mother. My friend Heidi calls me to tell me my parents have been freaking out, calling her, the police and anyone that may know where I am. (I always would call them to let them know where I was and where I was going, so me not calling was obviously weird and freaked them out, hence the search parties.) Out of panic, I started my car and tried to turn around in the small driveway, and in the process of turning around, I hit another car in the driveway. I was so scared because I had hit another car, my parents were angry and upset, and I had no idea how to get home-I was in an area of Medina county I was not familiar with and completely lost. I called 911 and they helped me find the highway I needed. I got home around 7am, indulged in a screaming match with my parents. I then sat in guilted silence at church and at brunch at our country club. The fact was, I was still drunk when I drove home, and if I were to receive another DUI, I would have faced jail time, no work privilges to drive, and I wouldn't have been able to attend school until the later year. And, a couple more thousand dollars that I was trying to put in savings.

I had the boys' phone number, so I was able to get ahold of the owner of the car and pay for it. Luckily, she didn't press charges and it didn't go on my record because it was private property. We never spoke again, I didn't want to. My parents forgave me soon after, but a fear is now instilled in them and every time I go out I can still hear and see the concern and worry on their faces and voices. It was one of the worst experiences of my life, and I shudder every time I think about it.

So that's a story about Holly that you now know. You may be surprised, or not. But it has shaped me.

Overall, I am just feeling really down, and more alone than ever. It works out that I am on duty so I can't really go anywhere far. I just want to be able to crawl out of the hole I have been in for months, and see the light. A friend once told me that when you are truly sad, you learn the most about yourself. I have found this to be true, and I am grateful for it. But at the same time, I am ready to be done with Sad. My friends Depression and Sadness seem to follow me, and even if I try to push them away, they seem to find a way back in. Today, they just seem to have a tight grasp.

I had a student that was suicidal on Friday night that I was with for a majority of the evening. I think she is going to be ok, but the suicidal students are the hardest for me. Not because I don't know what I am doing, but because I know exactly what they are going through and I want to help them so with everything I have. My case is not as severe and I am not suicidal by any means, but I can identify with their troubles. Sometimes I wonder if it would help them to know that this random hall director-the neutral party-the random person that responds to crises-is going through something similar. Most often, our students don't see us as people that also have feelings. We are just individuals that give them sanctions and hold them accountable for their actions and behaviors. Everyone has a story. It is in those stories that we can learn and reflect.

I hope the day gets better. Mary Poppins is on, so it is possible.