It's been awhile...
Ahh I haven't posted in forever! Probably because I have been hellishly busy and as its Saturday, May 8th and my remaining 60ish residents are now at graduation and moving out later, I have some free time.
It has been a great year I think. Has gone by crazy fast-faster then last year. I feel like everyone just moved in and we just took down our opening decorations! I have some set goals for next year on what I need to do differently and how I need to work with my graduate assistant. I think this is how it will be...time will go by faster and faster as we get older.
I have mixed feelings about staying for one more year. I am happy, but I also feel as if there is much more waiting for me, that I just need to bite my lip, say goodbye to this place and all the friends I have made, and keep going. Ball State & Muncie have definately grown on me, but I cannot stay here. One thing that will always stand out about this place is that it was figuratively very "dark" for me for awhile. Even though I am no longer in that dark place, I feel an internal itch to go as far away from it as I can. But right now, I feel extremely blessed to just have a job and a benefits package-cannot say the same for many other young people my age. I feel extremely happy and blessed that I am able to take another "adult" step-getting a new car! I can finally afford a monthly payment (hopefully, it may take a few weeks to square everything out, but I am feeling optimistic)and be able to drive something really nice that keeps me safe.
The past few months have been crazy different. I have had some older relationships with friends that have started anew again and it feels nice-but it also puts things into perspective and makes me think. I feel happy that I am in a different place, and in a different mindset. I feel stronger. The loneliness I have felt for the last few months/weeks I think is fading away, which is good. I find myself settling into my singledom-partly due to lack of options and mostly due to me not wanting to let anyone in. I feel safe and secure within myself, and an overwhelming sense of fear makes me want to push away anything that would disrupt that. I know this is something I cannot keep doing. Even though I feel these things, I still love the company of others, and I still miss the comfort of someone else to fall asleep with.I can only be hopeful that that will come in time. With the amount of love I have in my heart, I know it is extremely possible. It sounds pathetic, but the friendship & affection I have for someone very far away is just enough to keep me happy and satisfied right now.
I am reading this book called The Shack, it is a novel. It is making me think a lot about my spiritual self (or more accurately, lackthereof). It explains everything about God, his love, and how you can experience it-and in the most simplistic, beautiful way. Religion & spirituality is not a hot topic with me, and most of the time it just makes me really uncomfortable & angry, which is because I have been in a constant struggle with it. If you find yourself struggling like me, I highly encourage you read it. In fact, in the back of the book it has an initiative to pass the book and its message on to as many people as possible, in order to spread the love. Do not think for a minute that I am becoming a publicly crazy obsessed Jesus lover, because I am not. It is just a really good book.
That's all I have for right now.
<3 <3 <3
It has been a great year I think. Has gone by crazy fast-faster then last year. I feel like everyone just moved in and we just took down our opening decorations! I have some set goals for next year on what I need to do differently and how I need to work with my graduate assistant. I think this is how it will be...time will go by faster and faster as we get older.
I have mixed feelings about staying for one more year. I am happy, but I also feel as if there is much more waiting for me, that I just need to bite my lip, say goodbye to this place and all the friends I have made, and keep going. Ball State & Muncie have definately grown on me, but I cannot stay here. One thing that will always stand out about this place is that it was figuratively very "dark" for me for awhile. Even though I am no longer in that dark place, I feel an internal itch to go as far away from it as I can. But right now, I feel extremely blessed to just have a job and a benefits package-cannot say the same for many other young people my age. I feel extremely happy and blessed that I am able to take another "adult" step-getting a new car! I can finally afford a monthly payment (hopefully, it may take a few weeks to square everything out, but I am feeling optimistic)and be able to drive something really nice that keeps me safe.
The past few months have been crazy different. I have had some older relationships with friends that have started anew again and it feels nice-but it also puts things into perspective and makes me think. I feel happy that I am in a different place, and in a different mindset. I feel stronger. The loneliness I have felt for the last few months/weeks I think is fading away, which is good. I find myself settling into my singledom-partly due to lack of options and mostly due to me not wanting to let anyone in. I feel safe and secure within myself, and an overwhelming sense of fear makes me want to push away anything that would disrupt that. I know this is something I cannot keep doing. Even though I feel these things, I still love the company of others, and I still miss the comfort of someone else to fall asleep with.I can only be hopeful that that will come in time. With the amount of love I have in my heart, I know it is extremely possible. It sounds pathetic, but the friendship & affection I have for someone very far away is just enough to keep me happy and satisfied right now.
I am reading this book called The Shack, it is a novel. It is making me think a lot about my spiritual self (or more accurately, lackthereof). It explains everything about God, his love, and how you can experience it-and in the most simplistic, beautiful way. Religion & spirituality is not a hot topic with me, and most of the time it just makes me really uncomfortable & angry, which is because I have been in a constant struggle with it. If you find yourself struggling like me, I highly encourage you read it. In fact, in the back of the book it has an initiative to pass the book and its message on to as many people as possible, in order to spread the love. Do not think for a minute that I am becoming a publicly crazy obsessed Jesus lover, because I am not. It is just a really good book.
That's all I have for right now.
<3 <3 <3
posted by A lady. at
7:53 AM
6 Comments:
i'm happy that you are in a good place right now. and i can say that i'm super pleased that you'll be staying close to us for another year :) love you, holly bear.
I feel as if I only scratched the surface with this post! Thank you and love you too, Stevi.
Nice post, Holls. It still feels good to get it out. Even if you only scratch the surface. I'm dealing with a lot of frustration with my spiritual self lately, too. We should talk. Love and more love.
let's do it. starbucks chat. we can jesus it up.
Now you have a new car and some free time--make a trip to Fishers! We'd LOVE to see you! My board meeting is in 2 weeks--then I go into coasting mode and would love to hang out. A little playground time with a little red-headed friend may be just what the doctor ordered!
I think so miss Aimee. I think so. I will email you!
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