Seriously? Seriously!
Ok, so I have done some serious reflecting lately. I generally am always in a state of reflection, but I have been focusing on some things more specific.
Dating after college, in general, sucks. And it is difficult. And it can easily take over your entire mental and emotional well-being. Dating in college is easy, because you are always meeting people and social happenings are much more frequent. But at the same time, I enjoyed being single during all of it-I didn't like being tied down, and to be perfectly honest, I was a huge flirt-I liked having options. I had started my journey of finding myself anyway and trying to figure out who/what I really wanted, didn't really focus on dating anyone.
And now here I am. Two/three failed relationships later. A little of their fault, my fault, both our faults, and all the baggage that comes along with failed relationships. I am casually looking around for "my person." I have done online dating (hate it) done the friend set-ups, done the random "hey we are friends, let's try" and I find myself in a persistent state of disappointment and agitation. I tried with two guys I met online, two that actually seemed worth it after the first phone conversation. The other guys were just really really bad dates. One just in general sucked and was ridiculously inconsistent and the other was so busy with work-we had been talking on the phone for nearly a month, still hadn't met. Tried twice, but work always got in the way. After hearing another rant about how busy he is blah blah (I doubt his life was less busy as mine, and here I am trying and making an effort) I finally said, "maybe now isn't the best time, we don't need to make anything more difficult than it needs to be." Plus, his facebook was highly questionable. I try not to judge based off a social networking site, but since we never met that was all I got. And with the simple fact of where I live, my options and opportunities are pretty low. It creates yet another incentive to leave.
Which brings another conundrum. I have done much going back and forth about whether I stay or go after this year. So many things pull me in each direction. But as my sister has said, "You need to make a choice if you want to live to work, or work to live." I have been living to work for some time now. Sometimes I am ok with sacrificing a little more for another year in this job, and other times I feel like I am waiting for my life to happen after I don't have this job. I love the job, but it is a selfless, thankless arena, and you sacrifice much in the first few years. While I think about all the things I want to do and know will get the chance to do, I simultaneously think, "but I will still be unhappy." I have pretty much made my decision, I think, I just need to be ok with it and embrace it.
I feel like I am different than other women. I don't know exactly what it is, but what I do know is a man needs to work harder for me than he would others. Especially now. A friend put things into perspective today-she talked about how a select few of her friends (myself in that category)maintain their dignity, respect, and self-worth much better than others. I don't feel the need to be with someone just to be with them. I don't feel the need to take advantage of others just because I am feeling sad and depressed. I am extremely proud of that. In all my times of loneliness, despair, sadness, and anger, I dealt with it on my own and didn't comprimise myself for one moment of temporary pleasure, one glint of hope that wouldn't be met-I just was me. It was, undoubtedly, a lonely time-but it needed to happen. Even now, I take comfort in myself, my interests, my talents, and weird habits.
I have a close group of colleagues that I spend time with A LOT. With the exception of 1, we have all been single for awhile. Now that they are starting to meet really great people, I find myself getting impatient. And for some reason, ever since I turned 27, I have felt this added pressure! It is really weird. 25 & 26 are kind if whatever, transitional years into adulthood. I don't feel pressure to be married, or have kids (both of which I am fine waiting on) but I do feel some kind of pressure to at least be with someone....someone that will lead to those things. It is a strange feeling. I also used to love being myself. I thrived on solitude. I still enjoy it, but not as much.
When I'm bored,I think about the person that I am supposed to be with. I think about the things I want from him and our relationship. Things I hope for us to do. But mostly, I think about how that person will manage to tear my wall down. Get to know ME, understand ME, love ME. Establish that comfort. Find that best friend, lover, companion, partner-in-crime, love.
It will happen. Until then...I'm getting a mani/pedi.
Dating after college, in general, sucks. And it is difficult. And it can easily take over your entire mental and emotional well-being. Dating in college is easy, because you are always meeting people and social happenings are much more frequent. But at the same time, I enjoyed being single during all of it-I didn't like being tied down, and to be perfectly honest, I was a huge flirt-I liked having options. I had started my journey of finding myself anyway and trying to figure out who/what I really wanted, didn't really focus on dating anyone.
And now here I am. Two/three failed relationships later. A little of their fault, my fault, both our faults, and all the baggage that comes along with failed relationships. I am casually looking around for "my person." I have done online dating (hate it) done the friend set-ups, done the random "hey we are friends, let's try" and I find myself in a persistent state of disappointment and agitation. I tried with two guys I met online, two that actually seemed worth it after the first phone conversation. The other guys were just really really bad dates. One just in general sucked and was ridiculously inconsistent and the other was so busy with work-we had been talking on the phone for nearly a month, still hadn't met. Tried twice, but work always got in the way. After hearing another rant about how busy he is blah blah (I doubt his life was less busy as mine, and here I am trying and making an effort) I finally said, "maybe now isn't the best time, we don't need to make anything more difficult than it needs to be." Plus, his facebook was highly questionable. I try not to judge based off a social networking site, but since we never met that was all I got. And with the simple fact of where I live, my options and opportunities are pretty low. It creates yet another incentive to leave.
Which brings another conundrum. I have done much going back and forth about whether I stay or go after this year. So many things pull me in each direction. But as my sister has said, "You need to make a choice if you want to live to work, or work to live." I have been living to work for some time now. Sometimes I am ok with sacrificing a little more for another year in this job, and other times I feel like I am waiting for my life to happen after I don't have this job. I love the job, but it is a selfless, thankless arena, and you sacrifice much in the first few years. While I think about all the things I want to do and know will get the chance to do, I simultaneously think, "but I will still be unhappy." I have pretty much made my decision, I think, I just need to be ok with it and embrace it.
I feel like I am different than other women. I don't know exactly what it is, but what I do know is a man needs to work harder for me than he would others. Especially now. A friend put things into perspective today-she talked about how a select few of her friends (myself in that category)maintain their dignity, respect, and self-worth much better than others. I don't feel the need to be with someone just to be with them. I don't feel the need to take advantage of others just because I am feeling sad and depressed. I am extremely proud of that. In all my times of loneliness, despair, sadness, and anger, I dealt with it on my own and didn't comprimise myself for one moment of temporary pleasure, one glint of hope that wouldn't be met-I just was me. It was, undoubtedly, a lonely time-but it needed to happen. Even now, I take comfort in myself, my interests, my talents, and weird habits.
I have a close group of colleagues that I spend time with A LOT. With the exception of 1, we have all been single for awhile. Now that they are starting to meet really great people, I find myself getting impatient. And for some reason, ever since I turned 27, I have felt this added pressure! It is really weird. 25 & 26 are kind if whatever, transitional years into adulthood. I don't feel pressure to be married, or have kids (both of which I am fine waiting on) but I do feel some kind of pressure to at least be with someone....someone that will lead to those things. It is a strange feeling. I also used to love being myself. I thrived on solitude. I still enjoy it, but not as much.
When I'm bored,I think about the person that I am supposed to be with. I think about the things I want from him and our relationship. Things I hope for us to do. But mostly, I think about how that person will manage to tear my wall down. Get to know ME, understand ME, love ME. Establish that comfort. Find that best friend, lover, companion, partner-in-crime, love.
It will happen. Until then...I'm getting a mani/pedi.
Labels: annoyances, girly indulgences, reflection, relationships
posted by A lady. at
5:24 PM
1 Comments:
this kind of reflection is good and super healthy. all good things are worth the wait :)
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